Barefaced Beautiful

Blindsided by THAT Question

Depending on your perspective, something that is either amusing or hurtful happened to me today.  I was shopping and chatting with the woman behind the counter. I happened to mention my six children to the her and the next thing I knew, she blindsided me with, “Are you expecting another little one?”

Uh, no.  Big time NO. (In fact, the last “little one” I gave birth to is almost a decade old.)

A year ago,  I probably would have gone home, put on sweats, and soothed myself with cookies.  But, today, I’m happy to say that I’m settling down in the amused camp.  Yes, you can be sure I have been pulling my gut in a little more today, but I’m finding that I’m chuckling about it.

So, what has changed over the last year that has enabled me to withstand humility’s sting?  I got OFF track.  Since that last “little one” that I mentioned above was born, I have struggled to get on top of my health.  I had reached a point where I felt like I was on this downhill track and I couldn’t get off.  I wrote about it in one of my past posts, called The Long Journey to Health, if you are interested in reading more about how I began to make a change for the better. Currently, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m getting there.   Progress… the process, is powerful.  Where I used to feel insecure and hopeless, I now feel secure and hopeful.

Freedom and relief are the fruit of diligent effort in the process, not in the arrival.

And what is arrival, anyway?  Does it mean that you look like you did when you were twenty?  Does it mean no one ever asks you if you are pregnant, when you aren’t?? Does it mean reaching a goal weight or fitting in to a certain size of clothing?

No.  “Arrival” is submitting to the process.  Let’s face it: no matter what we do, we are all getting older, more wrinkly, and saggier… we can’t place our hope or identity in our bodies, or what other people say or think about our bodies.  Peace comes from making the next right choice and choosing to settle my identity into pleasing the Lord.  I’ve finally submitted myself to a pattern of more healthy choices, and I know the mental and emotional freedom that I have because of that is indeed pleasing to Him.

So… because I am in the process, making progress, I’m okay.  Apparently, I can be blindsided and still find myself standing up straight.  Thank you, Jesus!

Is there a process you need to submit yourself to?  Just one day at a time, find yourself right where you need to be… walking in the freedom and peace that come from just doing what you are called to do today, moment by moment.

Or, what if you are like I was for so long?  Not sure how to get off that crazy negative track.  Not sure about the process the Lord wants to take you though.  Pray, friend!  God doesn’t want you to walk in confusion and defeat. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”  Then, when the Lord speaks, grab a buddy and start walking it out.

Join me in saying, “I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Feeling Needy

Lessons From a Year Gone By #1.  I’m sharing my journal from last year with you! Read all about why here.

 

Feeling needy, being aware that we are lacking something, can be a great thing.  It can also drive us to comparison and fearfulness.  I guess it depends on your perspective.

In Genesis 1, we read the story of the beginning of mankind.  It’s amazing.  I imagine explosions of light, the buzzing sound of the Spirit of God hovering, incredible fragrances like the freshness of earth, and clarity of color and sound unhindered by pollution.  God spends six days creating, and everything is very good!

Later, in Genesis 2, we go back in time and learn a little more in depth about the circumstances of the creation of man and woman, Adam and Eve.  The Lord had created Adam and all the living creatures.  Genesis 2:19-20 says, “Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.”

But for Adam, no suitable helper was found…

In Genesis 2:18, before Adam named the animals, the Lord had already said that it was not good for Adam to be alone.  He had already said that He would make a helper for him. Why do you think that He waited to create Eve?  He knew Adam had a need… why did He wait to fill that need?

I believe that it is because, back to what I stated above, that feeling needy can be a great thing.  God certainly could have just made Eve and given her to Adam, but instead, He positioned Adam to become aware of his need.  Once Adam realized that need, the Lord took the opportunity to reveal aspects of WHO HE IS to mankind.

He became Jehovah Jireh, God is my Provider, to Adam.  Instead of Adam’s experience being, “Wow, look!  All the creatures have a partner, and so do I. Isn’t that nice?”, his experience of lacking something revealed God as One who is aware of our needs, One who is loving and cares when we have needs, One who is generous, and One who perfectly provides.

How will I respond when I feel needy? Will I become fearful and wonder how things will turn out?  Will I look around and see that others have more than I?  Or, will I say, “Lord, You must want to reveal something to me about Your character… what is it?”  The more we understand about God’s character in the midst of our circumstances, the more our faith grows.  Greater faith produces greater peace- peace that passes understanding.

Lord, grant me childlike expectancy!

It’s on my heart to pray for those of you who feel disappointed or abandoned by the Lord.  I pray that you will experience again the presence and provision of the Lord in ways that minister to your heart.  Look for Him… He hasn’t left, and He loves you fiercely.

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Lessons From the Year Gone By

Writing is rewarding, in the sense that I feel like I am doing something I am supposed to do… and doesn’t that feel good? However, it also causes me to experience some insecurity.  I’m a little fish in a very big pond… ocean, really.  I felt that way the other day when I was perusing a well-known writer’s blog.  I felt so small.  I started to wonder, what should I write about? What do I have to say and why does it matter? I felt intimidated.

Then, we went away for Christmas, and I began the process of going through my journal entries from 2014.  I think it’s important to remember the last year before I move on to the next and to summarize the year’s lessons for myself.  As I began the process however, I quickly realized that the Lord had given me a lot of meat to chew… too much to try to review and summarize in a day or two.  And then, the Lord prompted me with this idea: Go back through your journal and share it on your blog.

So here I go.  Still feeling intimidated and small, I’m taking you all through my last year.  The highs, the lows, the dreams, and the disasters.  It’s scary, because choosing to be barefaced makes me vulnerable… but I’m also excited because sharing my journal lines up exactly with why I believe God laid this whole project on my heart:

2 Corinthians 3:17-18, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being  transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

When we know Jesus, the veil covering our faces is removed, and we can see Him and know Him. When we know Him, we are made more like Him… we become barefaced beautiful.

Let’s do this. (gulp)

 

 

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A New Year

It’s been a long time since I’ve greeted a new year with resounding gusto.  Usually, I’m smiling and kissing my hubby while simultaneously feeling guilty about all that wasn’t achieved that year.  I thought I would be heading into 2015 doing a victory dance because I FINALLY conquered that thing that kept rolling from year to year.  Instead, it was sort of half-celebration.  It seems I’ve only achieved partial victory, after all.

So, January 1st was a battle for me.  I spent most of the day feeling depressed.  How can a person feel so sure of where they stand, only to discover that position is a few poor decisions away from feeling like she’s back to square one?  My answer to that question is another question.  Has my reality actually been changed by my recent decisions?  If not, then I know I’m fighting a battle of the mind… a battle of perspective, which was true in my case.  I finally dragged myself into God’s Word at the end of the day.

I read Genesis 1-3, the story of creation and the fall.  In the middle of my struggling, God shared two things with me.

–  When God says something, it happens, and He says it is good.  That is truth I can stand on.  So, when He has begun a good work in me and I feel that I’ve undone it all within a week, is that true?  Truth says, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6)

– Secondly, the Lord showed me something interesting that I hadn’t considered before.  This is what Genesis 2 says about the Garden of Eden: “Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed.”  The thing I hadn’t considered before was that God had placed Adam and Eve in a defined space.  It’s true, God had given them the mandate to multiply, fill, and subdue the earth, but Adam and Eve He had placed in the garden.  They knew where they belonged and what their responsibilities were.  That all changed with the Fall.  After they sinned, God sent them into the whole world.  What then, was their defined space to fill and subdue?  To me, this seems like the very beginning of New Year’s Resolutions.  Man looking to make a difference in his own life and the lives around him… but we so often over-promise and under-deliver.  We don’t know anymore where we belong or what our responsibilities are, so we try to subdue the whole stinkin’ earth!  No wonder we are overworked and stressed out, and often feeling, like I have for so many years, that another year has gone by without having achieved those elusive goals.

So, what am I doing with these two thoughts in light of the discouragement that I was facing yesterday?  I’m praying, Lord, I do know that the work you began in me in 2014 is something You will complete.  It’s Your work, and it’s good.  I can trust You even when I don’t trust myself.  Secondly, I am being thoughtful about the year to come.  We live in the big, wide world, with so many opportunities and needs.  We need the Lord to define our gardens for the coming year.  I’m praying, Lord, if there is anything you want to add or subtract from my life in 2015, show me!  In the mean time, help me to continue in what You’ve already been doing.

Happy {blessed and anointed, directed and purposeful} New Year to you all.

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The Cost of Counting the Cost

“The Israelites didn’t have to ‘count the cost.’ They only had to give out of willing hearts.”  This is a note I wrote down as I listened to Karen, our Bible Study Fellowship lecturer, as she spoke two weeks ago in the sanctuary filled with several hundred women.  I know she wasn’t addressing me specifically, but the Lord was… and the lightbulb came on.  God helped me understand how to carry out the “what” that He had spoken to me earlier that morning.

What had God spoken to my heart as I read His Word earlier that day?

      SPOIL HIM.  LOVE HIM LAVISHLY.

“Him” is my husband, and he has been going through a discouraging season… just feeling overwhelmed by all that is required of a man leading a family, a ministry, and working full-time in a secular job.

I was reading from Exodus 35 and 36.  The Israelites were called to give offerings of their time, talents, and material goods, as they were willing, to the construction of the tabernacle.  No one came around to each tent to make sure everyone contributed. They simply gave as their hearts prompted them.  And they gave, and they gave, and they gave – until Moses actually had to tell them to stop. Can you imagine that kind of generosity today?  The modern day dollar value of what the Israelites had given is in the tens of millions… but they never counted the cost.  They simply gave.

I would say that I am good at making sure my husband is “taken care of.”  To me, that implies that the basics are covered, but if I am honest, I can’t say that I am loving him out of the overflowing generosity of my heart.  When I go above and beyond, truthfully, I am counting the cost.  You might call it keeping track.

Proverbs 23:6-7 convicts me. “Do not eat the food of a begrudging host, do not crave his delicacies; for he is the kind of person who is always thinking about the cost. “Eat and drink,’ he says to you, but his heart is not with you.”

When I count the cost, I become afraid.  Will I run out of time? Will I have enough energy? Will my needs be met? If I am counting the cost, I will give, but it is a calculated gift.  How do I move beyond this level of giving?

The lightbulb that came on during the lecture was this:  Lavish love happens when I am NOT counting the cost.

But how do I choose to lose track of my giving??  Here are two ideas:

First, Karen said, “Generosity is a byproduct of a heart moved by God.”  I must connect regularly and deeply with God by soaking up His Word.  I don’t have to save some for myself if I am following God’s command to be on a special mission of grace-giving to one of His kids.  There will be enough.  THERE WILL BE MORE THAN ENOUGH, because the God of the Universe has filled me with His ability to pour out.

Second, Karen encouraged us to practice what she calls “spontaneous generosity.” She said that generosity doesn’t need to be complicated… prayerfully ask the Lord to place you on “need alert,” and respond as He leads you.

I wonder what all this will look like as I respond to God’s calling me to spoil my husband?  Lord, fill me with Your heart for my husband, and let that pour out.  Help me listen to your leading and respond with the joy and peace that comes from casting aside concern for the cost.

Is there anyone that the Lord might be calling you to spoil?  I pray that the Lord’s lavish love will begin to pour out of us as we lose track of what we’ve given.

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Yes, Lord!

Oh, the shaking knees and lost sleep when we are learning to say “Yes, Lord” to the big things in life. For me, saying yes to things like adoption.  Saying yes to homeschooling and then, yes to putting my kids back in school.  Later, saying yes to teaching at my kids’ school… you know, the BIG stuff.  Along with the fear, however, there is also a sense of excitement and passion to be a part of something worthwhile- something important!

But what happens after the initial calling?  Then the big adventures – the big “yes’s” become a series of daily acts of obedience.

Then, where is the “Yes, Lord”?

I had a revelation this morning as I was driving and listening to a worship song.  There was a simple line repeated over and over… “I say yes, Lord!”  I began to wonder what might change in my attitude and actions if I just said yes to the Lord every time I encountered resistance in my flesh to doing the daily tasks God has called me to do.

Don’t feel like changing that stinky diaper? Yes, Lord.  Don’t want to make dinner? (I just did that last night! Sheesh!) Yes, Lord.  Getting tired of persevering in helping my kids learn to love each other? Yes, Lord.  Too tired to be affectionate with my husband? Yes, Lord.  One more load of laundry? Yes, Lord!

Sometimes I feel guilty when I don’t want to serve others.  In the past I thought that the problem was that I needed to practice more thankfulness, so every time I didn’t want to “do the right thing” I should give thanks for that person or that scenario.  I would have equated saying yes to the Lord with thankfulness.

It’s true- God does tell us to give thanks always.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 

Does this mean I should be saying thank you to the Lord for the baby that I put the food into that became the poo that has filled the diaper I am currently changing?  Well, yes… but for me, I don’t think lack of  thankfulness for my baby, or food, or disposable diapers is what causes me to grow weary of doing good. I think the Lord wants to take it one level deeper.

Back to saying yes to the Lord and why I think focusing on saying “Yes, Lord” in addition to “Thank you, Lord” could be revolutionary for you and me.

I believe that the order of commands in the verses above matters. If I have to start with an aspect of the fruit of the Spirit- joy… what is the seed of that fruit?

THE SEED OF JOY IS THE VERY PRESENCE OF GOD.

Read Psalm 16:7-11

 I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
 I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

 You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

The person whose tongue rejoices is the one who knows the joy of being in the Lord’s presence.

LIFE is about BEING WITH GOD.  

When I say “Yes, Lord!” I am reminded that He is with me.  He is near.  He loves me.  Being with Him and helping others to know His presence is what all of the BIG assignments and the resulting little stuff are about.  When I obey God, I am embracing Him.  The cool thing is that if I can really grasp that God is with me every moment of every day and that He is loving me and leading me, His living joy will bubble out of me.  Thankfulness will become the natural fruit from the root of being deeply planted in the awareness of the presence of the Lord.  Let your “Yes, Lord” remind you to be rooted in embracing His presence in your life, rather than focusing on embracing your task at hand… and then, experience thankfulness pour out of that.

 

 

 

 

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Grace When I Blow It

Last night, I blew it… big time.  After chewing out one of my teenagers (in front of the whole family!) for something he did to his brother, I fumed silently. Then, I pulled him aside in an attempt to calmly reiterate my point, but instead I found myself, in an escalating voice, chewing him out some more.  As the words were spewing out of my mouth, I was simultaneously engaging in an inner battle.

Dang it!  I know this isn’t doing any good, but for some reason I can’t seem to stop talking!

He just looked at me and didn’t say much.  Sigh.  Then, I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, and cried in my closet.  After I prayed and calmed down a bit, I realized that I was the one who was out of control, which felt pretty awful.  Don’t get me wrong… it’s not like this was my first episode of losing it with my kids.  It just felt extra painful, for some reason.

Later, I pulled him aside again and apologized for the way I had behaved.  I confessed that my emotional response to the situation was way out of whack.  I asked him to forgive me, and he did.

So, why share all this?  Because I want to be real, and I want Jesus to be real through me.

Yesterday morning, I woke up thinking about my blog post about Jesus shining through me because I am not perfect.  I was thinking, what does that mean practically?  What does it look like for Jesus to shine through my glaring cracks?  Well, last night, my cracks looked like me yelling at my kid.  It hurt… my humanity…  like stretching skin.  And what did it look like for Jesus to shine through that?  Confessing my sin against my kiddo, asking for forgiveness, and believing that Jesus will minister to my son.

This morning I read a scripture that I just love:

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 “Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

God has made me competent to be a minister of the new covenant, to be a MINISTER of GRACE.  Not because of my abilities, but because of the work Jesus did on the cross.  Oh, Lord, help me be a minister of Your grace to my children…

And sometimes, that looks like asking for forgiveness when I blow it.

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Beautiful Inadequacy

My Inadequacy Displays His Beauty

Well, here it is, the guest blog post entitled Beautiful Inadequacy that started this whole journey/adventure of starting my own blog.  Please check it out and celebrate what God is doing with me!  I wrote about this special opportunity in my post, Crying in the Shower, if you are interested in reading a little more about the story behind the guest post.

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I’m Not a Very Good Juggler

There are very few days in my life when I have the feeling that I’ve got everything under control the way I’d like.  I feel like a juggler… but not always such a great one.  I can handle five balls (or blazing rings of fire!) but not six.  Why then, do I tie my sense of security to being able to juggle six, or possibly even seven at a time?

Practically, I mean that although I’m currently successfully tackling eating healthier food, working out has dropped off the list.  And if I add working out back in, laundry will most likely get out of control.  And if laundry is washed, folded, and put away, chances are good that haven’t called my best friend back. I think you might be able to relate.

There’s something going on here on a deeper, darker level… because in the end, does it really matter if laundry piles up a little bit?

I have been afraid.  Afraid that I won’t be able to maintain all my responsibilities and that I will get worn out by the monotony of trying.  It leaves me feeling very unsettled because I could have actually had a pretty wonderful day- if I wasn’t too busy beating myself up because I couldn’t figure out how to get that sixth ball into the mix.  I must need MORE DISCIPLINE!  MORE DILIGENCE! MORE CONSISTENCY!

And, more brains, and more arms, and more legs, and more mouths, and more hands.

What if I actually just need a new peace-giving perspective?

And perspective is what the Lord gave me last week when He helped me see something new in an old story- Moses and the Israelites’ story.  The Lord told Moses, in Exodus 23, that as He brought the Israelites into the Promised Land,  He would not drive out all their enemies at once.  He did this so that the wild animals would not overrun the land.  As I was studying the passage, verse 29 jumped off the page.  I am understanding more and more about how the Israelite’s journey parallels mine as a believer and how so many of the details surrounding all the events of those 40 years in the desert point to Jesus and His work on the cross.  A thought occurred to me…

I have been saved from bondage, like the Israelites, and my life on earth parallels the Israelite’s journey through the desert.  Canaan, their Promised Land, is my eternal life in Heaven.  Until the Israelites had fully entered the Promised Land, they had enemies to battle.  The perspective that the Lord gave me was that until I am in heaven, I will have enemies to battle… they will never all be fully conquered on earth, and that is by God’s gracious design.  If all of my enemies were conquered at once, if I could indeed juggle every ball, every day, I might get a little too comfortable here and forget this is not my home. Heaven is my promised land, where every enemy will be conquered.

That perspective brings me peace.  It’s okay that I can’t quite have everything under control the way I’d like.  That’s actually God’s design… not my lack of juggling ability.  He wants me to remain dependent on Him and continually looking toward Heaven.  May you be encouraged, fellow juggler, and feel God’s pleasure as you continue on your journey… giving God your very best, but with the fresh perspective that He’s gracefully keeping your eyes on Him and your hope in Heaven.

 

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The Long Journey to Health

My tools had gotten very dull… lots of digging into the hard earth in a desert wasteland.  But I was trying, that’s for sure.  Or, at least thinking about trying.

There’s got to be water here, if I dig deep enough!

What am I talking about?  Most women’s bane of existence.  [Truthfully, I had no idea what “bane” actually means, so I looked it up:  a cause of great distress or annoyance.  YEP.  It applies here.] I’m talking about weight loss, or your health plan, or diet, or whatever else you may have decided to call it.  I’ve called it my “health journey.”  And what a journey it is and has been.

I’ve been working at taking care of myself since my fourth son, and last biological child, was born.  He’s nine and a half.  Plus all the years before that between the births of his older brothers, plus all the years before that when I didn’t feel good about myself even though I had a body that would seem to me now to be the body of a supermodel.  Does that seem like a run-on sentence to you?  It certainly feels like a run-on issue in my life.

In the past, I would read about how the Israelites managed to turn a week-long journey through the desert into a 40-year saga, and I would shake my head in confusion.  Hello, people!  God just parted the Red Sea!  What do you mean, where is the water?  But, I actually don’t see it like that anymore.  I had the sobering revelation a while ago that the Israelites extended their journey just like I have mine… by simply doing the same thing they had done yesterday.  Get up, eat the manna, grumble, wander, go to bed, repeat.

 

They were trying to get from Point A to Point B without ever giving their hearts to the Lord.

 

So, I’ve been thinking about all of this as it relates to a specific occurrence in Israel’s journey and how it overlaps with my current state of affairs.  Shortly after the Lord had parted the Red Sea, God’s chosen people found themselves in need of water for a second time.  The first time was only three days after crossing the Red Sea, and the Lord provided fresh water for his people by instructing Moses to throw a piece of wood into bitter water, making the water become sweet.

Even after witnessing the miracle of the provision of fresh water not long before, the Israelites thirsted and raged against Moses and God again.  Exodus 17:3-4 says, “But the people were thirsty for water there, and they grumbled against Moses. They said, ‘Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to make us and our children and livestock die of thirst?’ Then Moses cried out to the Lord, ‘What am I to do with these people? They are almost ready to stone me.’”  The Lord graciously showed Moses a rock, and commanded him to hit it with his staff.  What must have been a huge amount of water, in order to nourish the great mass of people, gushed out of the rock.

Before this happened, I wonder if any of the people had begun to dig for water out of desperation.  Fear and fatigue must have set in as they toiled.  And this leads me back to my “health journey.”  I have toiled.  I have worried.  I have wandered.  I have thirsted.  All of this, when the Lord had abundant water available to me.

 

But I, also, had been trying to get from Point A to Point B without letting the Lord have my heart.

 

I wanted to be nourished and guided without ever fully submitting to His best for me.  I’ve been digging and toiling for years, when all along the Lord wanted to give me the gift of His refreshment.

 

He wanted to do an amazing work in me, not watch me work.

 

A month ago, I woke up with a specific eating plan on my heart.  I knew the Lord gave me the idea because I have learned how He speaks to me. (Another topic all together.)  It requires planning and preparation, so yes, I do have to make an effort.  The difference from all the other efforts I’ve made, however, was that I approached this plan as a fast.  All the other times, I’ve tried to figure out how I can still eat whatever I want and also achieve my desired results. That just hasn’t worked for me, and this plan didn’t leave that as an option.

I am amazed.  This is the first time I have fully, faithfully submitted myself to boundaries, and I have seen the Lord strike the rock and pour out the water that I have been so thirsting for.   I feel that He has been waiting for me to run out of my own strength and turn to Him.  As my body is changing, so is my heart for Him.

Sister, I want to encourage you.  Let the Lord work in you.  Seek Him.  Ask Him where the water is and then listen to Him for direction on how to obtain it.  Don’t give into fear.  He loves you.  He is your Provider.  He is your Rock.  He is your Living Water.

Please share your journey with me – the ups and the downs, that we may encourage one another!

 

 

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