This time last week, I was mourning something un-undoable. I was crying over the still body of our family dog, Bax. We live on property, and I hit him with the car as he raced me down our driveway.
Such regret. Such sadness. A horrible sick feeling in my belly, knowing that soon I would be telling our children what had happened. Thankfully, our girls are too young to understand the loss, but for our boys, ages 10-16, this would be heart-breaking news.
And it was. Their hearts, and my husband’s and mine, were broken.
Physical death is the ultimate un-undoable. The finality of it, and knowing I had caused it, pierced my heart. The last time I had personally experienced death was when I was with my grandmother when she passed away. We knew her death was approaching and it was a beautiful, excruciating experience as we sang her into the presence of Jesus. Bax’s death was different. I know he was “just a dog,” so I was surprised at how deeply I felt the loss. I was crying in my sleep last night, and my gut tells me I’m still processing his death, as is the rest of my family. I do wonder, however, if it’s not so much the loss of Bax, as loss in general, that we are grieving. Our hearts have been pricked and we are more aware of the fragility of life and our lack of control. We want life to be a certain way, and it’s just not.
Through this experience, I feel like I have had a very small glimpse of what unexpected, tragic loss feels like. I’m certainly not equating the death of our dog with the loss of a loved one – I can’t imagine what that would be like with a human being. I would like to think I would be strong, but I wonder…
Have you experienced the un-undoable? The fragility of life? Something your mind could possibly work out, but your heart may always struggle to understand? Peace. Hope. Strength. Rest. Comfort. Help. May these be yours when answers elude you and pain is very present. May Jesus hold you up and hem you in when the reality of our lack of control comes raging at your door and the hole in your heart and home feels irreparable.
I have no advice for you. I don’t feel qualified to speak to your loss, except to say that I’m so, so sorry. I can only offer prayers and Scripture, and hope to be found in life beyond the physical and a time when all the things we don’t understand will fit into place through Jesus. The Bible says that Jesus conquered sin and death when He died on the cross. The Bible speaks of life beyond un-undoable physical death.
For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” 1 Corinthians 15:53-54
Much love to you.
