Barefaced Beautiful

I Want Cookies, Too

Milena Crying

Yesterday my daughter, Milena, and I were driving home.  She was crying. Loudly. Again…  It looked kind of like the picture above… except strapped in a carseat.  Not my idea of a whole lot of fun.  Anyway, I have learned that sometimes she just cries, and she gets so upset that I don’t think even she knows what she wants.  But that doesn’t stop me from at least trying to figure it out.  Sometimes I can help her and sometimes I can’t, but I do try, and if I try and can’t help her it gives me peace that at least, well, I tried.

So, it was pretty exciting when, while driving yesterday I was actually able to figure out what she wanted.  Drum roll, please…

COOKIES AND PLAY.  (of course!) She, at eight in the morning, wanted cookies and to play. Neither of which I could offer her in that moment.

It got me thinking…I get it, girl. I want cookies, too.  And, yes! I want to play.

The problem is, life is mostly broccoli and work.

I have conversations with my kids about this reality.  They usually go something like this… “I am sure you don’t want to [insert any number of unpleasant activities. Or, basic day-to-day stuff like changing underwear.]  I’m not asking you to do it because it’s fun. I’m asking you to do it because you are a part of a family, and we work together.  It has to be done, and we are a team.”  And, depending on my level of frustration, I may or may not go on to list all of the things I do every day, not because I want to, but because I have to.  In truth, very little of life is comprised of doing activities I want to do.  Very little of life is cookies and play.

Paul wrote about this in Philippians.  He said, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.”

In Colossians, Paul also said, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

So, where does that leave my kids?  Where does that leave me??

I have two thoughts:

1) I was in a spinning class last week, and the instructor said, “Tell your brain to say ‘yes’.”  It really impacted me, because I realized, here I am in this class- I’ve committed to it, and here I am. And yet, I am resisting the work.  I’m thinking about how hard this is rather than submitting to the moment and welcoming the work.   I think that’s what Paul meant.  If I know I am supposed to be doing something, well, then stop grumbling about it and do it as for Jesus.  In my Bible study this week, I was convicted.  The Lord helped me see that often times I am appearing to submit to an action, but in my mind, I’m not committed to loving God and others in that moment.  Lord, help me to make serving You and loving others the focus, not only in my actions, but in my mind!  If it is broccoli time, eat that broccoli!

2) Undoubtedly, we all absolutely need to have some cookies and playtime.  We are not workhorses.  Burnout is a very real thing, and I pretty much reached that this time last year.  I had to get help to create some space in my life so I could once again serve others.  We need to rest.  We need to laugh.  We need to engage in activities that we find refreshing.  It can’t be cookie and playtime all the time, but it should be some of the time.

So, may I encourage you?  When is the last time you had a cookie?  Do you need to be refreshed so that you might refresh others?  I pray the Lord will give you insight in how to create space for that.  Or, are you choking down the broccoli the Lord has served you, while grumbling in your mind (or even out loud!) about what you’d rather be having?  May the Lord give you grace and courage to try engaging in those activities with thanksgiving.

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She Calls Our Names

I was riding copilot on the way to the kids’ school this morning with my fifteen-year-old son behind the wheel.  I must be getting more relaxed with that reality because my mind was able to actually think about something other than the road and all the other crazy drivers.  We were sitting at a stoplight, and my daughter, who we adopted in March, was in the backseat reciting the names of everyone she knows- something she does quite often.  “Mommy, Daddy, Bennen, Gamma, Mommy, Daddy, Ella, Mommy…”  It could be that she doesn’t know very many words and just likes to talk, but, like I said, I was actually relaxed enough to let my thoughts wander to a more contemplative state.

I asked Brennen, “Do you think Milena might like to recite the names of everyone she knows because when she lived in the orphanage, she didn’t have anyone that was ‘her own’?”  The thought just pierced my heart. I can just imagine her telling the world, “And this is my mom, and this is my dad, and these are my brothers, and this is my sister…”

Before, there was no one that was her very own, and now she has a long list of people that love her and call her their own.  She is our daughter, our sister, our granddaughter, our niece, our cutie… and we are hers.

This thought pierced me because it struck a very real chord. WE ALL WANT TO BE KNOWN.  We want to call others by their names and be called by ours.

Where does this longing to belong, to know and be known, come from?  I believe God put it in us when He created us… built in to pull us back to Him.  We were created to function in community and to respond to personal relationships.  Can you imagine building an intimate or meaningful relationship with someone but never knowing their name? What attachment and warmth can be found in anonymity?

The dictionary defines “anonymous” as being without any name acknowledged, being of unknown name, or lacking individuality, unique character, or distinction.  The truth is that even in the best of circumstances, when we are experiencing significant relationship with at least one other person, we can still feel lonely.  Like there is something missing or that there are parts of us that remain unknown or misunderstood.  It can create a shadow of anonymity.  What is that all about??

John 10:2-4 talks about Jesus as our Shepherd. “The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”

We were create to know God.  We are already known by Him.  HE KNOWS YOUR NAME.  You are not anonymous to Him- you are an individual with unique character and distinction.  Relationships with people are a beautiful thing… but no person can touch the depths of my soul.  Only the One who created me fully understands who I am.  Can I release my loved ones from the expectation that I might be holding them to?  Will Milena be able to release us?  We are the shadow of God, who is ultimately calling her name.  As she recites our names, her soul is rehearsing what it feels like to be truly known and perfectly loved.

What an incredible and beautiful honor to be the ones who are cracking open the door of her heart to the Great Name-Caller. What a privilege to be seed planters in her life.

You are known.  You are loved.  You are called by name.

 

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Grace When I Blow It

Last night, I blew it… big time.  After chewing out one of my teenagers (in front of the whole family!) for something he did to his brother, I fumed silently. Then, I pulled him aside in an attempt to calmly reiterate my point, but instead I found myself, in an escalating voice, chewing him out some more.  As the words were spewing out of my mouth, I was simultaneously engaging in an inner battle.

Dang it!  I know this isn’t doing any good, but for some reason I can’t seem to stop talking!

He just looked at me and didn’t say much.  Sigh.  Then, I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, and cried in my closet.  After I prayed and calmed down a bit, I realized that I was the one who was out of control, which felt pretty awful.  Don’t get me wrong… it’s not like this was my first episode of losing it with my kids.  It just felt extra painful, for some reason.

Later, I pulled him aside again and apologized for the way I had behaved.  I confessed that my emotional response to the situation was way out of whack.  I asked him to forgive me, and he did.

So, why share all this?  Because I want to be real, and I want Jesus to be real through me.

Yesterday morning, I woke up thinking about my blog post about Jesus shining through me because I am not perfect.  I was thinking, what does that mean practically?  What does it look like for Jesus to shine through my glaring cracks?  Well, last night, my cracks looked like me yelling at my kid.  It hurt… my humanity…  like stretching skin.  And what did it look like for Jesus to shine through that?  Confessing my sin against my kiddo, asking for forgiveness, and believing that Jesus will minister to my son.

This morning I read a scripture that I just love:

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 “Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

God has made me competent to be a minister of the new covenant, to be a MINISTER of GRACE.  Not because of my abilities, but because of the work Jesus did on the cross.  Oh, Lord, help me be a minister of Your grace to my children…

And sometimes, that looks like asking for forgiveness when I blow it.

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