Barefaced Beautiful

Do I Believe?

Do I believe?  Do I believe God keeps His promises?  This question has surfaced three times over the last week, which means I should dig a little deeper into it.  The answer?  Yes!

And no, too.

Yesterday, it looked like “no.”  As I fought with my husband and sent him off on a week-long trip, saying goodbye through tears and gritted teeth, it looked like no.  I hated that.

The night before, Chris and I got in a scuffle when an old issue regarding parenting little ones came up again.  I say “old issue” because we’ve done this “little kid thing” before.  Our oldest is driving and our youngest is a determined two-year-old.  It’s like putting on dirty socks.  They are familiar… and stinky.

Anyway, I chewed him out and we went quietly to bed.  The next morning, yesterday, Chris approached me to apologize and ask forgiveness, and I just wasn’t there.  I told him I didn’t want to have to forgive him for this offense anymore.  Yikes.  That makes me feel a little sick just typing that… in black and white I can see the hypocrisy seeping out.  (Ummm, just had to take a moment there to ask my hubby to forgive me for being unforgiving.)

Sometimes in a heated moment it is hard to see straight because there are other issues beneath the surface.  For me, that was true.  Actually, there were two more layers. One was a challenging situation I’m currently in, and the other (it seems like this is always the case) is my current food choices.  Wouldn’t it be great if negative emotions and responses were isolated to one simple occurrence or experience?  Then we would be able to easily straighten ourselves out!  But, that’s just not the case.  We are like onions and spider webs, with all sorts of experiences and issues layering on top of one another and intertwining.

So, what are we to do when we feel all mixed up?  I guess, as an end comes loose or a layer peels back, take a hold of it and ask the Lord to walk you through it.  And don’t worry about the rest.

Back to believing God.  Do I believe He loves me?  Do I believe He will meet my needs?  Do I believe He is in control of my life and that even (especially!) the hard things are working towards a greater purpose… a purpose designed for good?  There are promises in The Word regarding all three of these questions:

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you -you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

In light of these promises, what do I do with my “oniony” day yesterday? I’m praying, “Lord, I DO believe! HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF!” (Mark 9:24)  My husband is headed off on a trip, I’m (was!) mad at him, I’m trudging through a challenging situation, and my body is grumpy from not eating well recently.  Help me believe that YOU are with me.  You are for me.  You have provided for me.

I believe that God wants to change my heart in this way.  He wants to strengthen me when I am weak.  He will, I believe it, when I press into Him.

*One important note.  I do want to clarify that I am not advocating pretending that we are Pollyanna and that all is well, no matter what.  That isn’t belief.  That’s insanity.  Life is hard.  Real life is painful, sometimes.  Belief, to me, is acknowledging my layers and the sticky web, and believing that God loves me and will provide for me in that.  Belief is not gritting my teeth and trying to be strong.  Belief is acknowledging that I (and those around me) have weaknesses and that we need help.  Belief is being willing to ask for that help and knowing there will be, there is, a provision based upon God’s promises.*

Do you know God’s promises?  Do I?

Lord, I believe You… Help me overcome my unbelief.

 

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Soaking Up Love

Anaya

As I welcome this Valentine’s morning, I’m thinking about our first daughter, Anaya, in light of a beautiful article written by Ann Voskamp.  In it, she said, “The reward of loving is in the loving; loving is itself  the greatest outcome of loving.”

You see, Anaya is a unique little girl.  All her own, like no one else.

When we brought Anaya home from China over two years ago, we were at the end of a seven-year wait.  We welcomed her into our family of six- Chris, myself, and our four biological sons.  Our youngest son, seven at that time, was a brand-new baby when we began our adoption journey.  And as time stretched on and our boys moved on from diapers and sippy cups to climbing trees and spelling tests, we wondered if our daughter, whomever she was, would ever come home.

Our waiting stretched on and on because we were waiting for a girl with “no known medical conditions.” 18 months marched on to two years, which finally became, “We will let you know when your paperwork is about to expire and needs to be updated.”  Both my husband and myself wondered if it would happen, and honestly, let the dream go. A dream, by the way, which was built on an actual dream. When I was pregnant with our youngest son, I dreamt that we had a boy and adopted two girls from China. Six months later, my previously unconvinced husband had a vision of two Chinese girls… and we began the adoption process.

In August of 2012, I found myself crying in the dressing room of Target when our adoption agency finally called to tell us we had been matched to a three and a half year old little girl.  We raced to Denver to see her pictures and sign acceptance paperwork.  At that time, we had no idea what would transpire over the next 5 months…

It is a long story, and this is the gist.  In January 2013, two months after we got home, Anaya underwent genetic blood-testing and was diagnosed with a rare chromosomal disorder.  As my husband and I read what little information we could find and met with doctors, our new reality began to take form.  I came face to face with my yet-unrealized dream of empty-nesting one day and moving on to an stage of unattached adventure with my husband.  It is unlikely that Anaya will ever gain independence as an adult.

And then, as I wept and reeled, I came face to face with another realization.  I was crying less for her and more for myself.  Less for the dreams she may never see fulfilled and more for the dreams that I may never see fulfilled. My self-focus slapped me in the face.

Don’t worry. We aren’t beating ourselves up.  It is normal and healthy to mourn the loss of a dream.  But at some point, we have to move on.  And not just to another dream… we must move on to a more meaningful reality.  And this brings me back to love on this cloudy Valentine’s Day.

My husband and I both believe that Anaya’s is God’s special and specific gift to our family… but what does that mean, really, for our daily lives?  My husband, through tears, shared a new insight that he had recently come to understand.  He is a “get it done, make progress, check off that box” kind of guy.  A mover and a shaker. A doer. And you know what? I love that about him because God has gifted him to lead a family of eight and there are mountains we have climbed.  Mountains around which, if I was leading, we’d be forever circling the base.  But this also makes loving a little more difficult, because sometimes love can be measured in terms of production.  If I feed “love” into this person, what will it produce for me?  Something clicked for my husband.  God gave us Anaya to teach us to love… simply love.  To kiss, and hug, and read stories with.  To slow our pace and soak her up. Soak up the love that just oozes out of her.  She, who has difficulty speaking, beckons us and pats the couch, just wanting us to be with her, watching Curious George.

What a picture of God’s love.  He beckons and pats the couch and says, I love you.  I want you… Simply you, not what you produce for Me.

And so this morning, as I read Ann Voskamp’s words again, “The reward of loving is in the loving; loving is itself the greatest outcome of loving,” I think I’m starting to get it.

~Happy Valentine’s Day~

 

 

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