Barefaced Beautiful

Feeling Like a Sand Castle

Costa Rica Beach

This morning I am feeling a little weak, a little temporary.  In the recent past, I felt rooted and confident of success in an area of long-term struggle, but now I am feeling insecure again.  My castle was built… and a wave came and knocked it down.

Sometimes I like to be vague regarding what I am struggling with so that as people read my thoughts, it is easier for them to apply what the Lord speaks to them to their specific situation. But this morning, I think I should just be straight up and honest about where I am at.  I am so tired of talking and thinking about this, but here it is, in my face again.  Food… eating and weight gain.

Yesterday morning I was reading an entry from Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.  She writes from the perspective of what the Lord might be saying.  She writes, “The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself.  Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My power is made perfect in weakness.”

She’s right.  As soon as I think, “I got this!” things start to crumble again and I think, “I DON’T got this!”  It’s so frustrating.  I don’t want to struggle and have to figure this out again.  I want to be like a fortress that can withstand any attack.

And then I read one of the Scriptures Sarah referred to in the devotional, and the Lord gave me a beautiful picture:

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NASB)

The Lord spoke to my heart and showed me that if I were a fortress, a cement block, I could stand alone.  It is better to be like a sand castle, which is molded and then toppled by a wave.  As the sand castle melts into the water, there can indeed be rejoicing in that weakness.  In fact, my weakness is beautiful, because each time I am toppled, I can be remolded- I can be touched by the hand of God.

And here’s another beautiful truth… I started crying when the Lord helped me see another aspect of this.  When I am toppled by a wave, then I am dispersed into the world.  We are sand, and when we become wet, our broken castles spread out and touch others’ broken castles.

So, I’ve been pondering, how does this sand castle concept actually work in real life?

~ If I am like sand, I need to acknowledge and accept that life is about becoming more mature in Christ, not about pursuing cement-like perfection in different areas of struggle.

~ As I am being molded and then melted over and over, God is mercifully and lovingly maturing me AND allowing my weaknesses to be His way of touching others’ lives through me.

~ I must choose a “Home Base.”  Sand castles have two options: Be built on the water line and later washed away, or be built farther away from the water and crumble in the heat.  Washed or Crumbled- that’s it.

               I WANT TO BE WASHED BY THE WATER.

Being washed by the water is the vital component to being constantly remolded by the Lord and touching the lives of others.

And what is the water?

The Word of God.

I don’t want to struggle forever with food choices. But rather than despairing, I will wash my heart in the water of God’s word, get on my knees and embrace His next level of molding.  I guess there is more work he wants to do here.  And I WILL rejoice, because I believe that He will somehow use my melting to touch others’ broken castles.

 

Facebooktwitterpinterestmail

Over the Threshold

Over the BridgeI had a dream this week that I was a passenger in a car that was racing wildly over a a bridge.  Underneath us the water churned and the road was upheaving as we drove over it.  It was like we were in the middle of an earthquake, and we were trying to get over the bridge as it buckled and rose up in some places and fell in others.  I felt like we weren’t going to make it across, but we had to, and we did…

Do you know about the incident in the Old Testament when Moses sent the 12 spies into Canaan to learn about the land and the people in it?  After 40 days of exploration, the spies returned to the Israelites at Kadesh to report:

“They gave Moses this account: ‘We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit.  But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there. The Amalekites live in the Negev; the Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites live in the hill country; and the Canaanites live near the sea and along the Jordan.’

Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, ‘We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.’

But the men who had gone up with him said, ‘We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.’  And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, ‘The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.'” Numbers 13:27-33 

I am studying the life of Moses in Bible Study Fellowship.  After we have studied a passage, the lead teacher, Karen, speaks on it.  Karen made a statement about the incidence with the spies that has impacted me deeply.  She said, “God brings us to the threshold of his goodness.” The Israelites were right at the doorstep of the Promised Land, but they were scared, discouraged, and angry.  Maybe they had it in their minds that they wanted to be carried over the threshold, like a groom carries his bride.  But they would have to fight their way over, empowered by the very hand of God.

The Lord had brought them to the threshold of His goodness, and they decided not to step over into it.

The Isrealites ended up wandering in the desert for 40 more years because of their lack of faith.  But the story doesn’t end there. DID YOU KNOW THAT GOD GIVES US SECOND CHANCES??  Can I get an amen?? Get this…  After all that wandering, the Lord brought them back to Kadesh.  He brought them back to the very place they had failed so miserably to begin again the conquest of the Promised Land.  And the second time around, they did step over the threshold.

I’ve been pretty open on this blog about my health journey. I have made great progress, but recently as I have encountered stress, I have become aware that I am still in desert places where I thought I had already crossed into the Promised Land.  How discouraging is that, right?  But amazingly, I am actually excited!! God has brought me back to the place where I have previously failed.  Yes, I have seen progress, but not the full freedom He has in store for me. I feel like He is saying, “You’re right there, Kristin.  Push through.  I’m with you and I have more freedom and joy in store for you.” He’s brought me back to the threshold of His goodness.

Threshold. I love this word and all it represents.

 THRESHOLD: 

~A point of entry or beginning

~The magnitude or intensity that must be exceeded for a certain reaction, phenomenon, result, or condition to occur or be manifested.

In my dream, we were crossing the threshold, entering a new place. But the magnitude and intensity of the crossing is what sticks with me.  I remember the driver accelerating to get over the upheaving road before the opportunity was lost.  There was no time for delay or uncertainty.

Where are you at today?  Do you feel like you are on the edge of the Promised Land, ready to cross the threshold? Let’s pray together… Lord, help us to hear You!  Help us hear… What? When? How?  And then help us be confident and courageous because, the Driver of that car taking it’s wild ride over the bridge? It’s You.  And with You, Lord, all things are possible.

 

 

Facebooktwitterpinterestmail

Do I Believe?

Do I believe?  Do I believe God keeps His promises?  This question has surfaced three times over the last week, which means I should dig a little deeper into it.  The answer?  Yes!

And no, too.

Yesterday, it looked like “no.”  As I fought with my husband and sent him off on a week-long trip, saying goodbye through tears and gritted teeth, it looked like no.  I hated that.

The night before, Chris and I got in a scuffle when an old issue regarding parenting little ones came up again.  I say “old issue” because we’ve done this “little kid thing” before.  Our oldest is driving and our youngest is a determined two-year-old.  It’s like putting on dirty socks.  They are familiar… and stinky.

Anyway, I chewed him out and we went quietly to bed.  The next morning, yesterday, Chris approached me to apologize and ask forgiveness, and I just wasn’t there.  I told him I didn’t want to have to forgive him for this offense anymore.  Yikes.  That makes me feel a little sick just typing that… in black and white I can see the hypocrisy seeping out.  (Ummm, just had to take a moment there to ask my hubby to forgive me for being unforgiving.)

Sometimes in a heated moment it is hard to see straight because there are other issues beneath the surface.  For me, that was true.  Actually, there were two more layers. One was a challenging situation I’m currently in, and the other (it seems like this is always the case) is my current food choices.  Wouldn’t it be great if negative emotions and responses were isolated to one simple occurrence or experience?  Then we would be able to easily straighten ourselves out!  But, that’s just not the case.  We are like onions and spider webs, with all sorts of experiences and issues layering on top of one another and intertwining.

So, what are we to do when we feel all mixed up?  I guess, as an end comes loose or a layer peels back, take a hold of it and ask the Lord to walk you through it.  And don’t worry about the rest.

Back to believing God.  Do I believe He loves me?  Do I believe He will meet my needs?  Do I believe He is in control of my life and that even (especially!) the hard things are working towards a greater purpose… a purpose designed for good?  There are promises in The Word regarding all three of these questions:

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you -you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

In light of these promises, what do I do with my “oniony” day yesterday? I’m praying, “Lord, I DO believe! HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF!” (Mark 9:24)  My husband is headed off on a trip, I’m (was!) mad at him, I’m trudging through a challenging situation, and my body is grumpy from not eating well recently.  Help me believe that YOU are with me.  You are for me.  You have provided for me.

I believe that God wants to change my heart in this way.  He wants to strengthen me when I am weak.  He will, I believe it, when I press into Him.

*One important note.  I do want to clarify that I am not advocating pretending that we are Pollyanna and that all is well, no matter what.  That isn’t belief.  That’s insanity.  Life is hard.  Real life is painful, sometimes.  Belief, to me, is acknowledging my layers and the sticky web, and believing that God loves me and will provide for me in that.  Belief is not gritting my teeth and trying to be strong.  Belief is acknowledging that I (and those around me) have weaknesses and that we need help.  Belief is being willing to ask for that help and knowing there will be, there is, a provision based upon God’s promises.*

Do you know God’s promises?  Do I?

Lord, I believe You… Help me overcome my unbelief.

 

Facebooktwitterpinterestmail

I Want Cookies, Too

Milena Crying

Yesterday my daughter, Milena, and I were driving home.  She was crying. Loudly. Again…  It looked kind of like the picture above… except strapped in a carseat.  Not my idea of a whole lot of fun.  Anyway, I have learned that sometimes she just cries, and she gets so upset that I don’t think even she knows what she wants.  But that doesn’t stop me from at least trying to figure it out.  Sometimes I can help her and sometimes I can’t, but I do try, and if I try and can’t help her it gives me peace that at least, well, I tried.

So, it was pretty exciting when, while driving yesterday I was actually able to figure out what she wanted.  Drum roll, please…

COOKIES AND PLAY.  (of course!) She, at eight in the morning, wanted cookies and to play. Neither of which I could offer her in that moment.

It got me thinking…I get it, girl. I want cookies, too.  And, yes! I want to play.

The problem is, life is mostly broccoli and work.

I have conversations with my kids about this reality.  They usually go something like this… “I am sure you don’t want to [insert any number of unpleasant activities. Or, basic day-to-day stuff like changing underwear.]  I’m not asking you to do it because it’s fun. I’m asking you to do it because you are a part of a family, and we work together.  It has to be done, and we are a team.”  And, depending on my level of frustration, I may or may not go on to list all of the things I do every day, not because I want to, but because I have to.  In truth, very little of life is comprised of doing activities I want to do.  Very little of life is cookies and play.

Paul wrote about this in Philippians.  He said, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.”

In Colossians, Paul also said, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

So, where does that leave my kids?  Where does that leave me??

I have two thoughts:

1) I was in a spinning class last week, and the instructor said, “Tell your brain to say ‘yes’.”  It really impacted me, because I realized, here I am in this class- I’ve committed to it, and here I am. And yet, I am resisting the work.  I’m thinking about how hard this is rather than submitting to the moment and welcoming the work.   I think that’s what Paul meant.  If I know I am supposed to be doing something, well, then stop grumbling about it and do it as for Jesus.  In my Bible study this week, I was convicted.  The Lord helped me see that often times I am appearing to submit to an action, but in my mind, I’m not committed to loving God and others in that moment.  Lord, help me to make serving You and loving others the focus, not only in my actions, but in my mind!  If it is broccoli time, eat that broccoli!

2) Undoubtedly, we all absolutely need to have some cookies and playtime.  We are not workhorses.  Burnout is a very real thing, and I pretty much reached that this time last year.  I had to get help to create some space in my life so I could once again serve others.  We need to rest.  We need to laugh.  We need to engage in activities that we find refreshing.  It can’t be cookie and playtime all the time, but it should be some of the time.

So, may I encourage you?  When is the last time you had a cookie?  Do you need to be refreshed so that you might refresh others?  I pray the Lord will give you insight in how to create space for that.  Or, are you choking down the broccoli the Lord has served you, while grumbling in your mind (or even out loud!) about what you’d rather be having?  May the Lord give you grace and courage to try engaging in those activities with thanksgiving.

Facebooktwitterpinterestmail

The Cost of Counting the Cost

“The Israelites didn’t have to ‘count the cost.’ They only had to give out of willing hearts.”  This is a note I wrote down as I listened to Karen, our Bible Study Fellowship lecturer, as she spoke two weeks ago in the sanctuary filled with several hundred women.  I know she wasn’t addressing me specifically, but the Lord was… and the lightbulb came on.  God helped me understand how to carry out the “what” that He had spoken to me earlier that morning.

What had God spoken to my heart as I read His Word earlier that day?

      SPOIL HIM.  LOVE HIM LAVISHLY.

“Him” is my husband, and he has been going through a discouraging season… just feeling overwhelmed by all that is required of a man leading a family, a ministry, and working full-time in a secular job.

I was reading from Exodus 35 and 36.  The Israelites were called to give offerings of their time, talents, and material goods, as they were willing, to the construction of the tabernacle.  No one came around to each tent to make sure everyone contributed. They simply gave as their hearts prompted them.  And they gave, and they gave, and they gave – until Moses actually had to tell them to stop. Can you imagine that kind of generosity today?  The modern day dollar value of what the Israelites had given is in the tens of millions… but they never counted the cost.  They simply gave.

I would say that I am good at making sure my husband is “taken care of.”  To me, that implies that the basics are covered, but if I am honest, I can’t say that I am loving him out of the overflowing generosity of my heart.  When I go above and beyond, truthfully, I am counting the cost.  You might call it keeping track.

Proverbs 23:6-7 convicts me. “Do not eat the food of a begrudging host, do not crave his delicacies; for he is the kind of person who is always thinking about the cost. “Eat and drink,’ he says to you, but his heart is not with you.”

When I count the cost, I become afraid.  Will I run out of time? Will I have enough energy? Will my needs be met? If I am counting the cost, I will give, but it is a calculated gift.  How do I move beyond this level of giving?

The lightbulb that came on during the lecture was this:  Lavish love happens when I am NOT counting the cost.

But how do I choose to lose track of my giving??  Here are two ideas:

First, Karen said, “Generosity is a byproduct of a heart moved by God.”  I must connect regularly and deeply with God by soaking up His Word.  I don’t have to save some for myself if I am following God’s command to be on a special mission of grace-giving to one of His kids.  There will be enough.  THERE WILL BE MORE THAN ENOUGH, because the God of the Universe has filled me with His ability to pour out.

Second, Karen encouraged us to practice what she calls “spontaneous generosity.” She said that generosity doesn’t need to be complicated… prayerfully ask the Lord to place you on “need alert,” and respond as He leads you.

I wonder what all this will look like as I respond to God’s calling me to spoil my husband?  Lord, fill me with Your heart for my husband, and let that pour out.  Help me listen to your leading and respond with the joy and peace that comes from casting aside concern for the cost.

Is there anyone that the Lord might be calling you to spoil?  I pray that the Lord’s lavish love will begin to pour out of us as we lose track of what we’ve given.

Facebooktwitterpinterestmail

Grace When I Blow It

Last night, I blew it… big time.  After chewing out one of my teenagers (in front of the whole family!) for something he did to his brother, I fumed silently. Then, I pulled him aside in an attempt to calmly reiterate my point, but instead I found myself, in an escalating voice, chewing him out some more.  As the words were spewing out of my mouth, I was simultaneously engaging in an inner battle.

Dang it!  I know this isn’t doing any good, but for some reason I can’t seem to stop talking!

He just looked at me and didn’t say much.  Sigh.  Then, I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, and cried in my closet.  After I prayed and calmed down a bit, I realized that I was the one who was out of control, which felt pretty awful.  Don’t get me wrong… it’s not like this was my first episode of losing it with my kids.  It just felt extra painful, for some reason.

Later, I pulled him aside again and apologized for the way I had behaved.  I confessed that my emotional response to the situation was way out of whack.  I asked him to forgive me, and he did.

So, why share all this?  Because I want to be real, and I want Jesus to be real through me.

Yesterday morning, I woke up thinking about my blog post about Jesus shining through me because I am not perfect.  I was thinking, what does that mean practically?  What does it look like for Jesus to shine through my glaring cracks?  Well, last night, my cracks looked like me yelling at my kid.  It hurt… my humanity…  like stretching skin.  And what did it look like for Jesus to shine through that?  Confessing my sin against my kiddo, asking for forgiveness, and believing that Jesus will minister to my son.

This morning I read a scripture that I just love:

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 “Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

God has made me competent to be a minister of the new covenant, to be a MINISTER of GRACE.  Not because of my abilities, but because of the work Jesus did on the cross.  Oh, Lord, help me be a minister of Your grace to my children…

And sometimes, that looks like asking for forgiveness when I blow it.

Facebooktwitterpinterestmail