Archives for November 2014

Grace When I Blow It

November 24, 2014

Last night, I blew it… big time. After chewing out one of my teenagers (in front of the whole family!) for something he did to his brother, I fumed silently. Then, I pulled him aside in an attempt to calmly reiterate my point, but instead I found myself, in an escalating voice, chewing him out some more. As the words were spewing out of my mouth, I was simultaneously engaging in an inner battle.

Dang it! I know this isn’t doing any good, but for some reason I can’t seem to stop talking!

He just looked at me and didn’t say much. Sigh. Then, I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, and cried in my closet. After I prayed and calmed down a bit, I realized that I was the one who was out of control, which felt pretty awful. Don’t get me wrong… it’s not like this was my first episode of losing it with my kids. It just felt extra painful, for some reason.

Later, I pulled him aside again and apologized for the way I had behaved. I confessed that my emotional response to the situation was way out of whack. I asked him to forgive me, and he did.

So, why share all this? Because I want to be real, and I want Jesus to be real through me.

Yesterday morning, I woke up thinking about my blog post about Jesus shining through me because I am not perfect. I was thinking, what does that mean practically? What does it look like for Jesus to shine through my glaring cracks? Well, last night, my cracks looked like me yelling at my kid. It hurt… my humanity… like stretching skin. And what did it look like for Jesus to shine through that? Confessing my sin against my kiddo, asking for forgiveness, and believing that Jesus will minister to my son.

This morning I read a scripture that I just love:

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 “Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

God has made me competent to be a minister of the new covenant, to be a MINISTER of GRACE. Not because of my abilities, but because of the work Jesus did on the cross. Oh, Lord, help me be a minister of Your grace to my children…

And sometimes, that looks like asking for forgiveness when I blow it.

Beautiful Inadequacy

November 18, 2014

Well, here it is, the guest blog post entitled Beautiful Inadequacy that started this whole journey/adventure of starting my own blog. Please check it out and celebrate what God is doing with me! I wrote about this special opportunity in my post, Crying in the Shower, if you are interested in reading a little more about the story behind the guest post.

I’m Not a Very Good Juggler

November 17, 2014

There are very few days in my life when I have the feeling that I’ve got everything under control the way I’d like. I feel like a juggler… but not always such a great one. I can handle five balls (or blazing rings of fire!) but not six. Why then, do I tie my sense of security to being able to juggle six, or possibly even seven at a time?

Practically, I mean that although I’m currently successfully tackling eating healthier food, working out has dropped off the list. And if I add working out back in, laundry will most likely get out of control. And if laundry is washed, folded, and put away, chances are good that haven’t called my best friend back. I think you might be able to relate.

There’s something going on here on a deeper, darker level… because in the end, does it really matter if laundry piles up a little bit?

I have been afraid. Afraid that I won’t be able to maintain all my responsibilities and that I will get worn out by the monotony of trying. It leaves me feeling very unsettled because I could have actually had a pretty wonderful day- if I wasn’t too busy beating myself up because I couldn’t figure out how to get that sixth ball into the mix. I must need MORE DISCIPLINE! MORE DILIGENCE! MORE CONSISTENCY!

And, more brains, and more arms, and more legs, and more mouths, and more hands.

What if I actually just need a new peace-giving perspective?

And perspective is what the Lord gave me last week when He helped me see something new in an old story- Moses and the Israelites’ story. The Lord told Moses, in Exodus 23, that as He brought the Israelites into the Promised Land, He would not drive out all their enemies at once. He did this so that the wild animals would not overrun the land. As I was studying the passage, verse 29 jumped off the page. I am understanding more and more about how the Israelite’s journey parallels mine as a believer and how so many of the details surrounding all the events of those 40 years in the desert point to Jesus and His work on the cross. A thought occurred to me…

I have been saved from bondage, like the Israelites, and my life on earth parallels the Israelite’s journey through the desert. Canaan, their Promised Land, is my eternal life in Heaven. Until the Israelites had fully entered the Promised Land, they had enemies to battle. The perspective that the Lord gave me was that until I am in heaven, I will have enemies to battle… they will never all be fully conquered on earth, and that is by God’s gracious design. If all of my enemies were conquered at once, if I could indeed juggle every ball, every day, I might get a little too comfortable here and forget this is not my home. Heaven is my promised land, where every enemy will be conquered.

That perspective brings me peace. It’s okay that I can’t quite have everything under control the way I’d like. That’s actually God’s design… not my lack of juggling ability. He wants me to remain dependent on Him and continually looking toward Heaven. May you be encouraged, fellow juggler, and feel God’s pleasure as you continue on your journey… giving God your very best, but with the fresh perspective that He’s gracefully keeping your eyes on Him and your hope in Heaven.

The Long Journey to Health

November 10, 2014

My tools had gotten very dull… lots of digging into the hard earth in a desert wasteland. But I was trying, that’s for sure. Or, at least thinking about trying.

There’s got to be water here, if I dig deep enough!

What am I talking about? Most women’s bane of existence. [Truthfully, I had no idea what “bane” actually means, so I looked it up: a cause of great distress or annoyance. YEP. It applies here.] I’m talking about weight loss, or your health plan, or diet, or whatever else you may have decided to call it. I’ve called it my “health journey.” And what a journey it is and has been.

I’ve been working at taking care of myself since my fourth son, and last biological child, was born. He’s nine and a half. Plus all the years before that between the births of his older brothers, plus all the years before that when I didn’t feel good about myself even though I had a body that would seem to me now to be the body of a supermodel. Does that seem like a run-on sentence to you? It certainly feels like a run-on issue in my life.

In the past, I would read about how the Israelites managed to turn a week-long journey through the desert into a 40-year saga, and I would shake my head in confusion. Hello, people! God just parted the Red Sea! What do you mean, where is the water? But, I actually don’t see it like that anymore. I had the sobering revelation a while ago that the Israelites extended their journey just like I have mine… by simply doing the same thing they had done yesterday. Get up, eat the manna, grumble, wander, go to bed, repeat.

They were trying to get from Point A to Point B without ever giving their hearts to the Lord.

So, I’ve been thinking about all of this as it relates to a specific occurrence in Israel’s journey and how it overlaps with my current state of affairs. Shortly after the Lord had parted the Red Sea, God’s chosen people found themselves in need of water for a second time. The first time was only three days after crossing the Red Sea, and the Lord provided fresh water for his people by instructing Moses to throw a piece of wood into bitter water, making the water become sweet.

Even after witnessing the miracle of the provision of fresh water not long before, the Israelites thirsted and raged against Moses and God again. Exodus 17:3-4 says, “But the people were thirsty for water there, and they grumbled against Moses. They said, ‘Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to make us and our children and livestock die of thirst?’ Then Moses cried out to the Lord, ‘What am I to do with these people? They are almost ready to stone me.’” The Lord graciously showed Moses a rock, and commanded him to hit it with his staff. What must have been a huge amount of water, in order to nourish the great mass of people, gushed out of the rock.

Before this happened, I wonder if any of the people had begun to dig for water out of desperation. Fear and fatigue must have set in as they toiled. And this leads me back to my “health journey.” I have toiled. I have worried. I have wandered. I have thirsted. All of this, when the Lord had abundant water available to me.

But I, also, had been trying to get from Point A to Point B without letting the Lord have my heart.

I wanted to be nourished and guided without ever fully submitting to His best for me. I’ve been digging and toiling for years, when all along the Lord wanted to give me the gift of His refreshment.

He wanted to do an amazing work in me, not watch me work.

A month ago, I woke up with a specific eating plan on my heart. I knew the Lord gave me the idea because I have learned how He speaks to me. (Another topic all together.) It requires planning and preparation, so yes, I do have to make an effort. The difference from all the other efforts I’ve made, however, was that I approached this plan as a fast. All the other times, I’ve tried to figure out how I can still eat whatever I want and also achieve my desired results. That just hasn’t worked for me, and this plan didn’t leave that as an option.

I am amazed. This is the first time I have fully, faithfully submitted myself to boundaries, and I have seen the Lord strike the rock and pour out the water that I have been so thirsting for. I feel that He has been waiting for me to run out of my own strength and turn to Him. As my body is changing, so is my heart for Him.

Sister, I want to encourage you. Let the Lord work in you. Seek Him. Ask Him where the water is and then listen to Him for direction on how to obtain it. Don’t give into fear. He loves you. He is your Provider. He is your Rock. He is your Living Water.

Please share your journey with me – the ups and the downs, that we may encourage one another!